apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
