explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
