closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
