Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
accomplished twins. life is a go
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
