i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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