the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
