When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
