it was like a zeppelin in a condom
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
