When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
