I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
