Ambien. No doubt about it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
