Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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