to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
