I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
