I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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