She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
