I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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