They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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