got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
