I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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