My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is it because I queefed?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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