What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize