Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
