Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
