Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
