Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
