her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
