it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
