we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
