two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
