Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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