Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
