I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
porn star boner night. come get it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize