Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
