I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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