i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
