Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
