for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
