I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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