I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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