The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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