the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
