i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
