Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
