I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
