Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
