Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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