do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
