I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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