Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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