it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My ass is underappreciated
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
