You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
