Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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