saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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