ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
