It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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