someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
